The Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee aged 33 3/4
by Lady Alyssa
Summary: Sam decides to start keeping a diary and unknowingly begins to record all of the Shire's smut and gossip. Slashy themes, but no explicit filth.


Author: Lady Alyssa Disclaimer: Hobbits not mine, although my birthday is coming up soon. Adrian Mole and all other associated characters, themes, etc belong to Sue Townsend. Just for the record, this fic isn't intended as a copy of Cassie Claire's 'Fellowship Diaries' and I'm sorry if I step on anyone's toes, but this one is written in the style of Adrian Mole while her's is more Bridget Jones-esque and this one is also set pre-quest, so they should (hopefully) be different enough (grovel grovel). Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side, it's all implied slashiness, but I don't know what your minds will fill in the blanks with. Archive: None as of yet, but if anyone wants it, just ask Reviews: I have a sad and lonely life at the moment and no one to talk to, so all reviewers will receive my undying gratitude. Story notes: Having read any of the Adrian Mole Diaries might help, but it shouldn't be essential. For anyone who doesn't know, Marigold is Sam's younger sister (see appendix C) and Ted Sandyman is the miller in Hobbiton and he and Sam don't get on (see FotR chapter 2). Any ideas about who could be Hobbiton's answer to Bert Baxter? Answers on a postcard please.  
  
  
  
The Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee aged 33 3/4  
  
1st Afteryule  
  
I have decided to start a diary in this nice book that Mr Frodo has given me for Yule. He suggested I should do this to practise my writing, and just in case anything exciting should ever happen, so we've got another record of events from the one the Mayor writes. There's an inscription on the first page in his own handwriting, but it's in elvish and he wouldn't tell me what it means and that I'll just have to learn elvish to find out. One of Mr Frodo's cousins from Buckland, Mr Merry, is learning elvish and offered to help me translate it, he's going to look at the copies of Mr Bilbo's books that they keep in their library. Normally I wouldn't be so forward about taking help from Mr Frodo's friends, but he did offer and I want to know what it means and I think I had too much ale anyways, I must've tumbled into bed without looking last night because I ended up in the same one as Mr Frodo (thank goodness I didn't take my breeches off before I got in!).  
  
2nd Afteryule  
  
There isn't much to do in the gardens at this time of year, so I went for a walk down by Bywater pond with Mr Frodo and two of his cousins who are still visiting. Mr Merry and Mr Pippin are a right queer pair, always off on their own together - planning all kinds of mischief I'm sure. Mr Pippin kept saying we should go for a swim, so Mr Merry pushed him in the pond and we all had to go home so he could get out of his wet clothes. Bucklanders are very strange, except from Mr Frodo of course.  
  
3rd Afteryule  
  
Nothing interesting happened today, so I have decided to save paper by not writing anything else until something worth reading about happens.  
  
5th Afteryule  
  
Mr Frodo asked me about the diary today and when I told him he said that no one else is supposed to read it anyway. I wanted to tell that it sounded like a waste of good paper, especially after he gave me such a nice book to write in, but I didn't want to sound ungrateful, so I didn't say anything and have decided to keep on writing. Nothing else of interest happened today.  
  
6th Afteryule  
  
It's been snowing! Thank goodness it only ever snows when there's hardly any work to be done, though, if it snowed in spring or summer I wouldn't have time to enjoy it, but then if it snowed in spring or summer it wouldn't really be spring or summer anyway. I went tobogganing with the Cottons today. It was fun, except that they brought their sister Rose along, so Marigold insisted on coming too and they just sat and giggled all afternoon. Rose looks a little different from the last time I saw her, although I can't figure out exactly how, maybe she's done something with her hair, or perhaps it was her new dress.  
  
I saw Mr Frodo's cousins, but Mr Frodo wasn't with them and I didn't get a chance to speak to them because they seemed to keep on disappearing.  
  
7th Afteryule  
  
Mr Frodo came round this afternoon to invite me up to Bag End for mulled wine, but my Gaffer said I couldn't go since we were supposed to be going to visit the Cottons tonight. After Mr Frodo left I told my Gaffer that he would have offended him, but he said I shouldn't be spending so much time up at Bag End and that it wasn't my place. I think he objects to the Buckland cousins. Sometimes keeping in your place isn't as easy as everyone makes it seem, it isn't my place to spend all my time in Bag End, it isn't my place to offend Mr Frodo by turning down an invitation and it isn't my place to talk back to my Gaffer. Sometimes my life is far too complicated.  
  
At the Cottons' house I ended up sitting next to Marigold and Rosie who wouldn't stop giggling, not even when my Gaffer tried to involve them in the conversation, which wasn't very polite, but I couldn't say anything on account of it being Rosie's house and if I told Marigold off for it, I'd be telling her off too. I think Rosie knew I was annoyed though, because she let me have the last jam tart to make up for it  
  
8th Afteryule  
  
I had a really strange dream last night about Rosie Cotton swimming in a river of jam with only her vest and drawers on, it was most unnatural - a girl like Rosie wouldn't go doing things like swimming, even if it was in jam. However, the idea of a river of jam is quite interesting.  
  
10th Afteryule  
  
The snow has all melted and Mr Frodo's Buckland cousins are going home tomorrow. We had a little party up at Bag End, but it didn't last very long because Mr Merry and Mr Pippin had to go to bed early because they're leaving really early tomorrow morning and want to get a good night's sleep so they don't fall asleep at the reins of their cart. Mr Frodo looked a bit put out when they said this, I think he just doesn't want to be left on his own again because it's not quite the same when there's just me to keep him company. He apologised for their behaviour, but I told him there wasn't any need and that they hadn't done anything to offend me, but he seems to think otherwise.  
  
Mr Frodo said I should stay the night because the weather looked like it might be getting bad again, but I didn't want to put him to any trouble so I just came home like my Gaffer said I should. The weather isn't that bad really, but Mr Frodo always worries too much about me when it should be me worrying about him, he needs someone to look after him up in Bag End before he wastes away completely.  
  
11th Afteryule  
  
I found Marigold looking at my diary today and I was really angry with her until I remembered she can't actually read.  
  
14th Afteryule  
  
I went to tidy out the shed at Bag End and have a word with Mr Frodo about what he wants planted in his garden this year, but ended up staying for most of the day. Mr Frodo says it's time I started learning how to read Elvish or else I'll never be able to work out what he wrote on the first page of my book and he showed me all the Elvish letters and read me some poems out of one of Mr Bilbo's books. They sounded right pretty, and it's a shame I didn't understand what they meant because he was enjoying them so much and reading them out with such a lot of feeling. I wish I could be more like Mr Frodo sometimes, although I don't know if it would be right for someone like me to be that clever, I don't think I'd have any use for half the stuff he knows. I think I'm going to try and learn more things though because if it can't be very interesting for Mr Frodo to talk to someone like me when his cousins aren't here. Maybe I should try writing some poems of my own, I don't think I could write anything like what the Elves do, but I might come up with something worth singing.  
  
15th Afteryule  
  
I am in disgrace and my Gaffer is hardly talking to me because he says that no Gamgee ever started a fight in an inn before and he's ashamed that I had to be the first. I wasn't my fault, Ted Sandyman started it, I told him he shouldn't say things like that about Mr Frodo and that his books were about Elves, not fairies, but he just kept going on and talking in a silly voice that was supposed to be Mr Frodo. I tried to ignore him, but I just lost my temper and punched him on the nose, but then he punched me in the eye and his brother kicked me between the legs. My Gaffer got up and pulled us apart and dragged me home by the ear before I could do anything else so now I've given myself a showing up in from of everyone at the Dragon for losing the fight, as well as my family for getting into one in the first place. Maybe I should just go off on an adventure for a while because at least then no one would know what I did.  
  
16th Afteryule  
  
The Gaffer spent most of the morning lecturing me about being a disgrace to the family and made me tell Mum and Marigold what happened during breakfast because they were asleep when we got back last night, but I'm sure they heard us talking last night when we got in because the Gaffer wasn't exactly being quiet. He wasn't exactly quiet about it this morning either and listening to him going on first thing in the morning when you're hungover is much worse than listening to him at night. He said I had to go and apologise to Ted Sandyman and even dragged me all the way to the mill himself, but at least he didn't pull my ear this time.  
  
Mr Frodo came round this afternoon saying that he needed me to come and have look at some of his houseplants and even though he wasn't very pleased about it, my Gaffer had to let me go up to Bag End because I couldn't very well say I wasn't going and let Mr Frodo's houseplants die. When we got there he asked my about my black eye I said that I walked into a door because I didn't want to tell him about what everyone was saying about him last night in the Dragon, but he already knew what happened anyway, which means that most of Hobbiton must know about it by now. Mr Frodo made me sit down in one of his big armchairs and he made some tea and insisted on putting some arnica on my eye. He asked if I had any bruises anywhere else, but I had to say no, I couldn't very well have asked him for some arnica for my other bruises.  
  
When I got back from Bag End Rosie was here again and she and Marigold were giggling when I got in, so they must have been talking about what happened last night. Rosie said she thought I was very brave to stand up to Ted Sandyman like that and I blushed and ran off to my room.  
  
I just remembered that I didn't even look at any of Mr Frodo's plants when I was there and he was too polite to remind me why I was there. It's too late to go now, so I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.  
  
18th Afteryule  
  
I got a letter from Mr Merry today with a translation of the elvish Mr Frodo wrote on the first page of my book, but I think it must be wrong, Mr Frodo couldn't possibly mean something like that and I don't even know if it's physically possible. I'll have to write and thank Mr Merry for sending me the translation, but I it would be rude to tell him that I think it's wrong, but then I don't know what he must be thinking about Mr Frodo if that's what he thought the inscription says.  
  
19th Afteryule  
  
I had another strange dream last night about Rosie Cotton in her vest and drawers only this time it had Mr Frodo in it as well and he was wearing nothing but his vest and drawers too, but they were a girl's vest and drawers. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look either of them in the eye again.  
  
22nd Afteryule  
  
I met Ted Sandyman today and he said some things you couldn't repeat in polite company about the bruises I wouldn't let Mr Frodo put arnica on. I wanted to punch him again, but I couldn't because he had some of his friends with him and I was on my own and don't want any more bruises, especially ones in places where it's too embarrassing to put anything on them.  
  
At least Mr Frodo's houseplants are looking a bit better. He wanted me to come and have another look today, but there isn't much wrong with them that can't be fixed by watering them more often, he just worries too much about little things and it isn't good for him.  
  
23rd Afteryule  
  
My fight with Ted Sandyman has been completely forgotten - there is another scandal in Hobbiton. Mrs Burrows down the road has moved out of her husband's house and off to Bucklebury Ferry with one of her friends. I can't imagine how they'll cope with no men around the house. Mr Burrows is very upset about it; mum went round to take him some dinner since he's on his own but she hasn't come back yet, maybe she's doing his washing as well.  
  
25th Afteryule  
  
Rosie came round to visit Marigold again today and I think they were trying on make up and perfume. I wish they wouldn't giggle so much, it's almost impossible to get any writing done; I'm working on my first poem (I got the inspiration today when I was sorting though all my boxes of seeds). I'm experimenting with a new type of poetry some of the Elves have started using that doesn't rhyme, but I don't want to write any of it down quite yet.  
  
Mr Burrows has started coming round to our house for tea every night, I think mum's cooking is cheering him up.  
  
26th Afteryule  
  
I wrote down my poem and showed it to Mr Frodo today. He said he liked it, but he must have just been saying that so as not to hurt my feelings because he didn't look too happy and I don't think I could have written something to move someone to tears on my first attempt.  
  
The Rose  
  
Rain on her petals Flowering in the morning sun My beautiful rose. Should I pick her, or Just watch her grow from afar? I will never know.  
  
27th Afteryule  
  
Mr Frodo invited me to dinner tonight, although it should have been me making him dinner, he looked like he hadn't slept last night and hardly ate any of his dinner, but he said he was alright, just a bit tired. He asked me to stay for a while after dinner and was going to open another bottle of wine, but he was just being polite and I left so that he didn't have to ask me to or fell asleep in his chair. I hope he's alright, I'll have to go and see him again tomorrow.  
  
As soon as I got home I regretted it because my mother, Marigold, Rosie and Mr Burrows were all sitting round the kitchen table talking and laughing and making a lot of noise. I didn't feel like joining them, so just went to bed. Am I the only person left who knows when they've outstayed their welcome?  
  
28th Afteryule  
  
My Gaffer had a talk with me today about lasses and courting and settling down and how now I'm of age I've got to start giving them more consideration. I don't think I've been so embarrassed since the day he tried to give me the talk about where babies come from and he repeated a lot of that one today. He asked me if I had been courting anyone recently and not told him about it, but I was saved by a noise from the other side of the door which turned out to be Marigold and Rosie and by the time my Gaffer had got rid of them he'd lost his train of thought and got really confused. Before he left he said that he's expecting a few more grandchildren before too many years have passed and there was just a hint of a threat in his voice when he said it. I'm quite worried now, I don't know how to talk to lasses let alone do anything else with them. I'll have to ask my brothers about it the next time one of them comes to visit because you can't get married without knowing at least something about these things and be better at explaining them than the Gaffer.  
  
I went to see Mr Frodo again this afternoon; he still looks a bit under the weather but he seemed pleased to see me, but since there's hardly anyone else who ever comes to visit him he must be glad of the company.  
  
29th Afteryule  
  
I went for a long walk to get some peace and quiet away from all the people in our hole at the moment (Mr Burrows seems to have all but moved in with us and Rosie was round visiting again) and ended up in the Dragon with Tom Cotton. I was quite pleased to see that everyone there has forgotten about my fight with Ted, or if they haven't, they at least didn't bring it up, not that they would have had much chance anyway because Tom dragged me into a corner saying he wanted to have an important talk with me. I wish people would stop trying to have important talks with me because recently they have all meant me having to do something I'd rather not. Tom wants me to ask Marigold if she'll go to a dance in Overhill with him next week because he doesn't want to ask her himself in case she says no. I said I didn't want to ask her whether she said no or not because it's embarrassing enough to ask a lass out for someone else, but worse when it's your own sister you have to ask. He said something about friends having to help each other out and that he'd do the same for me any time I asked and winked a lot at me. Eventually I said yes, but he really owes me one for this. I can't think how to ask Marigold this, but it would probably be better if I asked her when Rosie wasn't around because it would be too embarrassing, so this means that I have to ask her either very late at night or very early in the morning. I think I'll ask her tomorrow morning. Or maybe even tomorrow night.  
  
30th Afteryule  
  
I decided to ask Marigold this morning just to get it over and done with and she said yes, but only if me and Rosie can come too. I said that maybe Tom had meant his invitation to just be for the two of them and might not like his little sister coming along with them, but she said I can keep Rosie company if Tom wants to take her outside for a moonlit stroll. Tom doesn't know yet exactly what he owes me for this now, but it is going to be a bigger favour than any I would have asked him for yesterday.  
  
I told Mr Frodo about it this afternoon. I thought he would laugh, but he didn't, he always understands when I tell him about things that happen to me. Maybe I should ask Mr Frodo about how to talk to lasses. 


End file.
